Greatest Convoy Ever Part II

Where was I... Oh I remember, ok so it is night two our second attempt at the same convoy. Thankfully the weather looks good for tonight, and not a cloud in sight. As we roll to the staging area we are all pumped and ready to get out on the road. We arrive in the staging area pull into our lane and instantly sprint to the coolers, cause since we the security element are the black sheep of the platoon, we are left out when it comes to class 1 (the food and drink given out before convoys). So we always rummage through and steal all the drinks in the staging area. After taking well more drinks than we would actually need, we head back to the truck and take up our pre-convoy seat on the front of the mine roller. And just as always we ended up sitting there for way longer than we should have. This time it wasn't cause the weather was bad, a sandstorm, or anything like that. It was because our damn command forgot to get us an interpreter, and we can't go outside the wire without one. Which put us sitting on the mine roller for a good 3 hours, waiting for them to find us a terp. Thank god though we had our old buddy Hillbille being his normal asshole self. Making us all laugh and pointing out all the dumb stuff our command does. Then finally they got us a terp and about 4 hours late we finally rolled out the gate.
And away we went down the road all of about a mile and a half before we get the call to stop because we have a down vic. After learning a little more on the situation we found out that the place were the truck was at was going to be quite a pain in the ass to get to. Which meant we were going to be there for a long time. After being there for about an hour another convoy is coming by us when we begin to hear things hitting the truck. That is when we all know it is happening... they passing truck are throwing glow sticks at us. Just like any Marine would we decide to return fire, and before you know it it is an all out war. Just to let you know on every convoy we roll out with about 2oo glow sticks to mark turns and whatever needs to be marked. But back to the battle so it ends up that every truck that rolled by use ended up throwing about 5 glow sticks at us, needless to say around our truck was glowing after the battle. But the fun didn't end there, at that point in time me and Deelie both jump out of the truck at begin to collect all the glow sticks, we are wondering what to do with them when we think of it. Glow stick art, so we begin to make pictures, everything from different words to huge cocks, and other things, but it seemed like every time we did this another convoy would come past and run over the picture messing it up. Which would mean we would have to jump out again and make another design. Then came the last and final design, Deelie layed on the ground and I made a glow stick chalk line around him in the middle of the road. We did this just hoping that once we got moving again the whole convoy would pass it and crack up. But this would turn out to never happen. We sat in the truck talking about just about everything, when all the sudden Ruby yells at us saying he is seeing something in the thermals. It looks like a person but has a cold heat signature. We don't know what to think about this then he starts screaming that he is seeing more. At this point in time Deelie grabs his rifle and looks out his night vision scope, he screams "they are people wait... there look like there are already dead!" I have no clue what to say when all the sudden Ruby blurts out "ZOMBIES." And just at that moment a hand reaches up and slaps my window, I screamed like a little girl, it was quite embarrassing. But that was not what we were worrying about, I mean come one our truck was being invaded by zombies. Ruby opens fire, just mowing down the now hundreds of zombies coming toward our truck. Deelie jumps out and gets on the tail gate and is dealing out death and destruction to any that get to close. I though am still in the truck screaming like a little girl. At which point Ruby kicks me in the head from the gun and tells me to get it together. I do and slap the truck in drive and it is all over I am swerving left and right taking out any zombie that gets in my way. There is now beginning to be a huge pile of zombies building up, but thankfully the zombies have turned tail and retreated. Ruby fires a last couple bursts in at them as they retreat along with some unkind words. Deelie then springs off the back of the truck and heads straight for the enormous pile of zombies. He whips out his handy Jack Daniels Zippo and sets their remain ablaze. Just to ensure they don't come back to life, but before returning to the truck, he pulls out his pack of Marlboro Reds, take a cigarette from the pack and using the flame from the pile of zombies lights it while saying "Don't ever mess with Scout 1!"
We then got back in the truck and headed back for the road, at which point in time over the radio we hear lets roll so we head another 50 feet down the road, and here stop there is another truck down. But before we could ever get pissed off they tell us to turn around we are going to try it again tomorrow night.
So the next day we get ready and start it all over again but thins time we actually did leave the base and make it to the other base with no problems. Even the trip back was easy, we had nothing happen to us at all. If we could have just ignored the first two days it would have been a great convoy. Actually I shouldn't say that nothing bad happened, cause actually Nick did have something bad happen to him.
Their he was just chillen in his turret in trail 1, when he hears Kim from inside the truck telling everyone to not look back she is peeing. But of course he is in the gun and not worrying about it at all. A little time goes by he is still just chillen up there doing his thing. Then Kim screams up and asks him to throw something out for him. Not telling him what it is he unknowingly takes hold of an open bottle of her piss. And before he can chunk it out of the truck........ the truck hits a big bump and there it goes. There is piss all over his hand and lower arm. I myself along with many other people found this extremely funny when he told us. But unfortunately for him he didn't think it was as funny. So from the bottom of my heart I am sorry Nick.

The Greatest Convoy Ever Part 1

Just like every other convoy the night started out just like any other convoy. Lots and lots of stupidity. But thankfully we actually did make it to the staging area. Just as we got there we looked up and saw a storm moving our way. it was some of the most beautiful lightning I have ever seen. But the clouds following the lightning was no where near as beautiful. They were black and looked quite mean. Then before the rain came through in blew a huge sand storm. It caught us all off guard, we were standing outside our trucks watching the lightning, when all the sudden, our faces where filled with sand. Which sent us all running to our trucks as fast as lightning. There we were seating in our truck (Krystal, we got a new truck sorry I forgot to mention) trying to do everything we could to keep out of the sand. It was the worst thing I have ever seen, well that is if I could have actually scene more than 10 ft in front of me. Lets just say that it would be pretty much impossible to drive in this. But after about 20 minutes of siting in the truck waiting on the sand storm to finally blow over it did and was followed by a short little rain.
We then stepped out of the trucks and were just sitting around on the mine roller waiting on the word to roll out. Little did we know that we would be sitting there for a very long time. But I will explain that in a little while. So there we were just chillen on the mine, I look up and who do I see, none other than our old buddy Hillbille. He comes strolling over and with a with a jolly look on his face a couple good smart ass comments that make us all laugh. We sat there for I don't know about a good 3 more hours or so just bitching and moaning about sitting there, waiting to finally get to leave. After sitting there for a while we began to hear that we were on hold, waiting for the sandstorm to clear out completely because apparently where we were going was also dealing with the same sand storm. So we bull shitted around for a little while longer, until finally the word came down that the run was canceled for the night. But before we could even get to our trucks, here come the Sergeants running down the lane screaming get ready we have to leave right now. Let me just say that was the most insane time ever, we all sprang to getting ready as fast as possible. But that would not last that long. Not 3 minutes later the sergeants come right back to let us now that it was yet again canceled for the night. So instead of saddling up to head out on the mission, we had to turn around and head back to the motor pool. Just as normal we ended up sitting there for about 3 hours before finally being released only to have to return, about 8 hours later to do it all over again.
So that is the end of part 1, but don't worry there is more to come, so tune in. Same bat time, same bat channel.

My Wonderful Night

So I wish I had some elaborate story to tell you about how amazing today was, but I don't. But I do have a rather funny story to tell you. It is a story that I don't want to tell because it is one that I am not to proud of. Because it is rather embarrassing, and I am not proud of it at all. But hopefully you will at least get a kick out of it.
Last night as me and Bizkit were making our way back from the chow hall after a long day of work, it happened. Let me set this up better, that was no where near a good enough intro. Ok so Me and Bizkit were walking back to our rooms going pretty quick, I might add (Bizkit had to take a poop.) There we were heading back a brisk walk through the dark path toward our rooms. To set a nice mental picture for you there is a fence on one side and a row of hesco barriers on the other. Ok so we are walking through pretty quickly, but since I know Bizkit has to take a poop, I keep trying to do anything I can to make this walk take as long as possible. I stop to tie my shoe like 5 times, and just generally am being a complete ass. Then I get my camera out and stop and take pictures, you know trying to make him poop himself, just what friends do. Ok but let me just let you know camera flashes, and dark paths don't go well together. Not to mention that Bizkit keeps flashing me in the eyes with his super powerful flashlight. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you that on this dark path with a fence on one side and hesco barriers on the other, but I forgot to tell you about the one and only concrete barrier sitting about 3 1/2 feet high. Now I am starting to feel bad cause I know Bizkit is really about to crap himself so I am actually walking fast now. Though I am not really paying much attention cause I am laughing about Bizkit's funny I have to poop walk and a little bit because I am blinded by the flashlight and the camera flash. Then it happens all i hear is Bizkit say "watch out for that barrier," but before I can say "what" it happened. I ran right into it, but not just into it I went right over it. But this is not before I rammed my knee into it. i flipped over it with so much force that my rifle swung off my back, and straight over my head. I was feeling some of the worst pains of my life at this point, well maybe they were not that bad but it did really hurt. Remember that scene in Family Guy were Peter falls and just lays on the ground says "ahh" for about 2 minutes. Well that is pretty much what I did, except I think I was on the ground for about 5 minutes. While the whole time Bizkit was really about to crap himself from laughter. Frankly I wish he would have, cause at least then i would not have been the only person there that made a fool of them self. After I finally got up of the ground and regained my strength we began to head back to the rooms. At this point in time is when I really realized how hard I hit that damn barrier. But thank god the pain was covered up by my laughter cause by this point in time I had begun laughing about the whole thing also. I mean come on how do I some how run into the one and only barrier on the path. But not just run into it flip over it. I just wish that we would have had a camera running cause that defiantly would have gotten us about a million hits on You Tube. It also would have made it a lot easier to tell people the story, cause god knows Bizkit had to tell everyone of my misfortune. So this one goes out to you Bizkit, Thank you so much Biskit you are the greatest. I wish you would have dropped a mean one in your pants.

Secret Mission

*This story is one that has just became unclassified, so after reading this you can not tell anyone. National Security could be at stake.*

So there we were just sitting around the motor pool just like any other night, but this night was not just like any other night. It would turn out to be a night that no one will ever forget. So like I said there we were just sitting around doing nothing when up comes our fearless leader, Sgt N (Can't tell you his name for security sakes). He comes over to us with a look of urgency in his eyes, a look that I have never seen before. All he said was get your shit, get ready to go, and meet me in the briefing room. So off we went, grabbed our gear and headed straight for the briefing room. Was there we sat down and got the details for our mission. There we were all ready to go Bizkit, Kasey, Deelie, Ruby, Sgt N, Johnson, Josh and myself. Unfortunately though Nick couldn't go with us because he is to little for a black op. But don't worry after a few hours of tears he got over the fact that he was just to damn little. But enough about the short one back to the real story. After the brief we geared up and headed out on foot for the objective. The objective was only a couple clicks away but, those few clicks that we had to travel were the most treacherous few clicks you could ever imagine. I believe that even John Wayne and Dirty Harry themselves would have been scared shit less. They we were just a click way from the objective, when Bizkit called for us all to get down. As we all ducked further into the shadows, we could just barely see it. There was a person walking toward a building that was right next to the objective. After laying in the shadows trying to wait the person out, we finally decided that we had to get a closer look to make sure the coast was clear. So Josh and Bizkit step up and head over toward the building. They sneak up as close as they can, and get close enough to see in through a window on the side of the building. AS Biskit sneaks up to the window ever so quietly, he peers in and sees the weirdest thing ever. The man was sitting in the building watching old episodes of Threes Company. I mean come on everyone know that was one of the greatest shows ever. I personally loved it, I could watch it forever. And I really miss John Ritter he was an amazing actor. But back to the story sorry about the tangent. So then Bizkit and Josh head back over to us and we continue toward the objective. We finally reached in about an hour after leaving, but once getting there we realize that our Intel was bad. The objective was just to big to be carried out on foot, so we had to make a decision and make one fast. Sgt N decided that we will have to carry it a couple hundred feet to some shadows. Were we would then commandeer a truck and drive it the rest of the way back. Right we that was said off me and Kasey sprang to try and find a truck to load the objective on. We found one and jumped right in started it up and headed back to meet up with the rest of the team. Then after much heavy lifting we get the objective on the back of the truck, and head home. As me and Kasey drive the truck with no lights the last couple clicks with the rest of the team following on foot. We finally make it back to the motor pool unload the objective, and with a huge sigh of relief know that we were successful. Not only had we completed the mission but we had done it without firing a single shot and we brought back everyone. It was defiantly a mission that you will see on the big screen.
So I am sorry I can't lye to yall, all we really did was sneak to the other side of the motor pool and steal a very heavy table from another platoon. Not knowing how heavy the table was, we had to also steal a truck from them to take the table to our section. And the part about Threes Company was not true at all. But I do really love that show, it is a classic.

Fuck The Army

I got back from our third convoy last night which was a pretty good convoy except two incidents one which was easily resolved and the other, well look at the title. But just sit tight there is plenty of story to tell before we get to that. So just sit back and prepare for a story that is a little crazy, a little funny, and a little scary for me.
So just as usual on the day of a convoy we head to the motor pool at like 1400 to start getting ready to go, but this prep time was a little more hectic than normal. Because the night before I was given a new truck, which was no where near ready to hit the road. So there I was the night before and the day of a convoy, a convoy which I should add sent us through quite a few rough spots. But there I was running around the motor pool stealing, I mean reconing, parts off other trucks trying to get mine ready to roll. You might not know this but when it comes to gear and equipment marines get the shaft in that area. The army gets all the nicest and newest gear around while we get what is left over. I mean explain to me why the marines are called the strongest and the best, but I have to steal to get parts for my truck. But the army gets ample amounts of bran new gear. Sorry just a little tangent, but back to the story, so after I Finlay stole all the stuff I needed to hit the road that night and got the truck ready as best I could it was just about time to head to the brief. We get the brief over with and head for the road, actually leaving on time for once. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you that this was a new route to my truck, which is the lead truck, and we have no form of navigation in our truck except printed out paper maps. Trust me this will play in in a big way later.
There we are heading down one of the biggest roads in Iraq depending on the vehicle behind us to let us know when the turn is coming up. We are rolling down the road making good time haven't seen any activity, it is a good day then, we roll right past the turn and straight for downtown Baghdad. At this point in time we realize we have missed the turn but it is to late we can not find anywhere to turn around. We keep going and still can't find a place to turn around at. I am screaming at Deelie, he is screaming at Ruby, I am screaming at them. It was just a huge screaming fest. We are all freaking out since we are rolling up through a busy part of town with lots of people yelling at us, throwing rocks at us, and well everything but shooting at us. Which means we can't do shit, this is not a great feeling at all. Just to kinda explain a little better the kind of place we were in. Imagine being in College Park at around midnight, in a fresh new car with shinny rims with a lot of thugs eyeing you up. That is about as close as you can get to the in The States. Ok well as we keep heading through this area we finally find a place to turn around, and it just so happens to be a major intersection. But this is not a normal intersection there are no lights and you just drive and turn whenever you want. Then there I go pulling straight out into traffic to block it so the rest of the convoy can make the turn and not get separated. I am just sitting in this intersection for I don't know about 5 min just waiting for the next security vehicle to take my place. I thought they would never get there, but of course they finally did, and we rolled away. Sending us right back through the scary neighborhood. Thankfully though we made it back onto the right road and headed straight for the base. This was the first incident of the convoy and probably one of the most nerve wrecking things that has happened thus far in my deployment.
After making it to our objective, we fueled up on gas and headed for the chow hall, cause by the time we actually made it there it was time for breakfast. We figured this would be just an easy jump on the bus and hit the chow hall and be in bed in no less than an hour. But little did we know that this was such a huge base and that by bus it would take us about 30 minutes to get to the chow hall. After getting to the chow hall and sitting down to eat we began to notice that we were getting alot of looks our way. I asked Bizkit if he noticed it and he did as well as Kim and Nick. I just played it off thinking the looks were because of how loud and crazy we were being at 5 in the morning. I mean come on you would be loud and crazy too if you were staying awake just by energy drinks and cigarettes. But we just continue to be loud and crazy and finish our meal. Upon leaving we are still noticing all the looks, again though we are still acting kinda weird. So Bizkit decides that if they are going to look at us at least they should have a good reason to so he decides it would be a great idea, to yell hooha ( the army's stupid saying) at every passing soldier. We all found this quite funny so we just joined in bring even more attention to ourselves on our 30 min bus ride back. I don't think this needs to be said but we Marines are easily amused.
We get up the next day and after a quick trip to the PX for more energy drinks and a little more making fools of ourselves, we head to the staging area. This is when I met one of the coolest people I have met while being here. His name was Hillbilly, he was a KBR driver (Civilian Contractor) he was just a good ole boy. We stood around and bullshitted for a good hour. Nothing to important was said but we all were laughing the hole time. Every time someone new would walk up Hillbilly had to put them on the spot. Everybody would get all nervous and not know what to say, it was quite funny. Especially to us that had been there the whole time. I wish I could remember some of the funny things that were said but I can't, it was a long night after that. So we finished getting ready and headed out onto the wild roads of Iraq. The way home was pretty easy and uneventful, which is a good thing don't get me wrong. Well that was until we got stuck behind an Army route clearing team. They had the whole road blocked, which cause a nice little traffic jam behind them. Then we came rolling up right behind the rest of the civilian traffic. While sitting back there waiting for the traffic to clear up, we noticed a green laser ahead of us, we instantly knew what it was. It was a Green Laser Dazzler, which is pretty much an extremely powerful laser pointer, and if it hits you in the eye can cause extreme damage. So Deelie called back to another truck so they could let the army convoy know we were back there to help ensure we didn't get hit by the laser. But not even 2 minutes after that, I see it coming. I watched it come up my hood and straight into my eyes, then bounce around my head for a couple seconds before turning off. Before I could even say oh shit Deelie screams "OH shit that thing just got you in the eye!" He grabs the radio and call back to our convoy commander, who might I say is pretty pissed of after this. Because aiming one of these at other Coalition troops is considered Blue on Blue violence. At this point in time we are pretty pissed but there is nothing we personally could do about it. Our command though was a different story, lets just say that the last vehicle in that army convoy's whole crew will be standing front and center, with a lot of shininess starring back at them. After we finally passed the assholes, we headed home with little to no difficulty. Well that is except for the dog that my mine roller plowed over. I know it is bad but these are not normal dogs these are wild rabid dogs. After that little bump in the road we make it back home, but before I could even take a breath I was rushed to medical to get my eyes checked. I came to realize real quick that those lasers are no joke, they take them very serious. But I have still not found out what is going on with my eyes, but I could see the keyboard well enough to write this so I guess they are not that bad. Besides that though I still hate the army for making me have to sit in medical for around 6 hours thus far with many more to come, so "FUCK YOU ARMY!!!!!!"

Jay Rod's Bathroom Incident

Today I am going to tell you a story of something that didn't happen to me but happened to my roommate Jay Rod. It has to be one of the funniest stories I have heard since getting here to Iraq, so I had to share it. And if you don't find it funny then just keep that to yourself because I found it hilarious.
Lets get this story started, First Jay Rod came in this morning and woke me up screaming that he just went into the female head. But at this point I was still dead asleep so I pretty much was just like shut up I am going to sleep. Then when I actually woke up he asked me if I remembered him telling me this, I didn't so he then kicked right into the story. Which is exactly what I am going to do now. So Jay wakes up and realizes that he has to piss like a race horse. But the bad thing is our room is a nice little walk from the head (marine talk for bathroom), so in his half asleep slumber he begins to walk toward the head. He finally gets and already about to piss himself throws open the door, to realize that the urinals are covered. I should add that everything he says is out loud. So out loud he says "what all the urinals are broke!" Then he just turns around and heads for the real toilet, lifts the lid and lets it rip. But at the same moment in time he is hearing someone two stalls down was destroying the the toilet. So he lets them know, "Damn you are doing work over there, and man does it smell." He explains it as it sounded like that scene in Harold and Kumar of the two chicks in the bathroom. But he said the sound was no where near the worst part, he said he smelled worse than any thing you could ever imagine. A smell that you could never believe, and yet again in proclaims this, "Damn you need to give a flush there and get that shit out of here." So then Jay finishes his piss flushes the toilet, not putting the seat back own, turns and heads for the mirror. As he stats to pick the eye buggers out of his still sleepy eyes he hears the the toilet flush and with a big sigh of relief says, "Thank you, I thought you would never get that nasty shit out of here." But just as this is coming out of his mouth he looks up to see a nasty faced Air Force chick. As his mouth drops to the floor he can't figure out what to do or say. The he finally says," Is this the Female head," while in his own mind he is just thinking this bitch came in the wrong head. Then he turns and heads back out the door but right as he walks out the door he turns just to check the sign on the door, and what does it say. FEMALE HEAD. And with the goofiest of smiles he sticks his head back in the head faces the nasty smell one more time, looks up at the nasty air force chick and just says "sorry," as he turns and runs as fast as he can back to our room.
While he was telling me this story we were laughing so hard that both of our neighbors came into our wondering what the hell was going on, So then we had to tell them the whole story again so they could get in on the laughter as well.

Day 11: Nothing Special

Let me first start our with an update. On the last convoy we went on I believe I told yall about having to halt at a bridge, due to some weird acting IP (Iraqi Police). well it turns out that about 2 hours after we had crossed under this bridge, there was a VBIED (Vehicle Born IED) attack. This was kinda surprising and also cool at the same time. It just let me know that whenever Deelie says to stop this aint right, there is a good chance that something aint right.
So now it is the day after the last convoy and there is a small convoy supposed to be going out the night before last. Thank god though no one from the security element is going out on it. Which we thought would mean we could just help them get ready and then dip out for the night. Oh no we should have known better than that. To start off with that night there was a sand storm not a bad one but just enough were you couldn't see to far ahead of you, and it hurt your eyes if you were outside. I just want to say that being in a sand storm is one of the worst things, you would not believe how much that little piece of sand can hurt when there are thousands pounding on your face. So when the convoy finally left the motor pool to go to the staging area, might I add that this happened about an hour late, we we allowed to finally go get some food. This was the first time that day we had a chance to go eat, not to mention that the chow hall closed in like 15 min. Then after much skipping and craziness Bizkit, Nick, and I made it to the chow hall and got to eat. The best part is that every time we go to chow the idiot reservist sergeants make us bring food back for them, this is where the fun starts. I know what you are thinking and no we didn't spit in it or anything like that. We get them food that we know that they don't want, like big salads and the nastiest looking food of the day. Then on this night remember it is a sandstorm we decide to walk back with the boxes of salad and nasty food hanging wide open just so they get that nice little covering of gritty sand. Probably not the worst thing we could have done but it was our silent protest to their fucking great ideas about only giving us 15 min to eat. Then we get back to the motor pool and are hanging out in the smoke pit, cause that is just what we do, I have and will probably spend more time in smoke pits in Iraq than I actually will in my truck. So ok we are just chillen in the smoke pit until the worst words in the USMC are heard "I need two lance corporals" and we all know what this means working parties. So after barely escaping that one we decide that it is now time to find some where to hide. Cause we all know that working parties are like the plague once one goes there are going to be many to follow. Some of them aren't bad but none of them are good. So there we go with Biskit in the lead spot we are ducking through the shadows trying to find the perfect spot to hide. One that is close enough so we can hear when they call us back over to get released, but of course one where we can't be found for a working party. After about 10 min of sneaking around through the shadows we found one of the old bunkers, and at that moment me Biskit, Nick and myself all had the same look on our face, PERFECT. We dive in the bunker and prepare for our time we are going to spend in hiding. We first start out by putting all our cigarettes, water and food in the middle. Cause we don't know how long this working party session could last. These things have been know to go on for days even weeks. After being in hiding for about an hour we notice that the water is getting low. This can only mean one thing someone has to sneak out and get some. Of course we choose Bizkit to go. We wish him luck and send him out after water, knowing all to well that he probably won't make it back. Nick and I sit there waiting just hoping that he actually makes it back when all the sudden we see Bizkit dive in to the bunker with the look of straight fear on his face. He tried to tell us what had happened but all we could get out of it was, "they all most had me." Then after being in there for a couple more hours we heard the convoy get back and about 100 more working parties called to help them unload. Then came the magical words, "everybody circle it up" we all knew what this meant it was safe to come out, cause we were about to go back to our rooms. Then we all just headed back to our rooms to prepare for another day full of stupid TS games.